Couples Therapy
Support for your relationship from the comfort of home.
You still love each other. So why does it feel so hard to communicate?
Maybe each time you try, it turns into the same argument all over again. Sometimes you aren’t even sure how the fight began.
Or perhaps it’s the opposite; instead of fiery arguments, things have fizzled out. You miss the sex life you once enjoyed. It’s like there’s an ocean between you. Your partner is right there, yet just out of your reach.
Surprisingly, when we get close to people is when it gets more challenging.
But guess what? There’s a scientific explanation for why this happens!
We know from the research that when the bond between two people is threatened, each person falls into their hard-wired “survival strategy” to deal with the stress.
For some people, that looks like fighting and going on the "offense." For others, it's withdrawing and going on the "defense."
But, how do our “survival strategies” get set off when we are sitting at the kitchen table?
Human beings are wired to connect to other humans. Imaging studies show that our brains read our connections to other people the same way they read our need for air, water, and food! So when you see your partner do something that signals to you "they don't care about me" (e.g., they forgot to empty the dishwasher again
or said something that felt critical), you go into a protective stance to preserve yourself and your relationship. That stance looks different for each person. When we start therapy, part of our work will be to begin to uncover your particular pattern, so we can begin to help you get unstuck.
““The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.” ”
Getting “unstuck.”
Because of what we talked about above, it's common for couples to get stuck in patterns or cycles that they can't seem to get out of. It might look something like:
Conflict
One partner is always the first to bring up an issue. They may come across as more critical than they meant. That causes the other to shut down. Maybe problems simmer, undiscussed, until one of you said something hurtful and unproductive, and now you wonder how you can get past it.
Withdrawal
Maybe both partners have a “don’t rock the boat” survival strategy. Instead of bringing it up, they take the approach of “conflict can only make things worse, so it’s best not to do anything.” What happens is that over time, all the things left unsaid create more and more distance, making it harder to connect emotionally, physically, and sexually over time.
We will use EFT to uncover the stories you are telling yourselves about your partner in your head. Often things move so fast and, without realizing it, we react to a version of our partner in our minds rather than the person we love.
A Mix of Both
Depending on what's going on in your life or personal history, both partners may have a mix of survival strategies that isn't as clear-cut. That's why we'll spend time right from the first moment of therapy working to understand your unique patterns.
Why I use EFT to help couples get unstuck.
EFT stands for Emotionally Focused (Couples) Therapy, a research-backed, clinically proven approach rooted in neuroscience and human attachment.
It’s an approach that has always spoken to me as a therapist and a person. It focuses on the importance of your connection to one another and doesn’t place blame on you or your partner. Instead, I use EFT tools to help you slow down, make sense of, and organize what is happening in your relationship.
My clients leave with a sense of greater physical and sexual connection and greater emotional intimacy. They have more confidence in their ability to see their patterns as a couple and the tools to get themselves back on track.
Specialties
Big life events
Even if it’s welcome change-like the birth of a new child, it still adds stress to your family system. Other significant life events like a job change or loss, infertility, moving, kids leaving the nest, and caring for elderly parents are common reasons couples seek therapy.
Betrayal
Whether it’s an affair or “that one time” you always come back to where maybe your partner was absent or unavailable for any number of reasons, it can create rocky waters in your relationship. Like a riptide, disorienting you and pulling you both down, these events need to be addressed before you can move forward together again.
Communication
Maybe nothing is exactly “wrong” and your relationship looks fine from the outside. But on the inside, that spark is gone, and it can feel lonely, even isolating. Your sex life might be all but gone. You’re not sure how to even talk about what you want or how you’d like things to be different.
“Should we commit? Or not?”
Pre-Commitment Counseling
Does it feel like things all of a sudden got more challenging when you “put a ring on it?” Or maybe it seems like your partner is The One except for that One Thing. I specialize in helping couples look at the issues that matter to them before taking the next big step in their relationship.